Sexual Violence and Coercion

I am going to start this blog like a lot of my recent ones with a trigger warning. This blog will discuss sexual violence, coercion and other related topics. If you do not feel you can read this then feel free to click off or find another one of my blogs to read.

I went on a training course recently that was about sexual violence and coercion. Some of the discussions that happened in the training were really thought provoking, I have discussed this with Social Work colleagues since but also reflected on some of my own opinions, viewpoints and experiences. The first thing that is important to know before I talk about this topic further is the distinction between sexual violence and sexual coercion, sexual violence can happen to anyone and the perpetrator can be anyone whereas sexual coercion is when you know someone and it is a pattern or repetition of the behaviour.

I think there are three main difficulties that can come with getting justice especially for sexual coercion which are how do you prove it, do you recognise it and does shame stop you feeling like you can say anything. I have had multiple conversations with people either who I know in real life or through different social media platforms who do not seem to recognise sexual coercion in their own relationships. I want you to think about the following questions.

Have you ever felt pressured into having sex or engaging in other sexual activities?

Have you ever given in to shut someone up from asking?

Have you ever been blackmailed into sexual activity?

Have you ever been made to feel that it is your duty or that your partner is entitled to it?

All of the above are examples of sexual coercion. Sometimes I see people brushing it off and saying things like it had been a few weeks so I did it even though I didn't feel like it. He goes out to work so I make sure his needs are met. I did it just to shut them up. These are excuses and justifications that people give when they do not necessarily want to admit that they were made to feel uncomfortable by someone they care about.

I see a lot of posts where people talk about not waiting the 6 weeks after birth because their partner has needs. So do you but yours are to feel safe, comfortable, cared for and supported. Not that you have to do something because your partner can't be patient. They do not have a right to your body especially in a vulnerable time when you are at major risk of infection. Having a ring on your finger does not mean that your spouse has rights over your body. Consent is always required even when you are in a long term relationship, the amount of people I see saying I don't need to check for consent as they are my partner boggles my mind. I am not saying that you should specifically say the words “do I have your consent” but it is worth checking in or stopping if the other person does not seem fully engaged or they are even a little bit unsure. This is where I would always recommend people go and watch the cup of tea consent video. It is a fantastic way of explaining consent. Just because you have said yes before or insinuated even 5 minutes ago none of it means that you cannot change your mind.

I wonder how many people have consented, started the process of having sex, changed their mind in the middle and verbalised it for it to continue anyway and have not realised that is rape. Have felt that they shouldn't say anything because they did say yes and just because it had started meant the other person “could not control themselves”. We have every right to change our minds, even if it annoys other people in the process. Nobody has a right to our body.

Looking back in history there were so many laws or legislation that took await rights in term of sex or potential outcomes. Until 1991 which is in my lifetime it was legal to rape your wife because the understanding and expectation is that once you get married you become property of your husband. You could not as a single woman get the pill until 1974 as it was seen as something for married women. I see posts even now in 2026 where women talk about asking for their tubes to be tied or to be sterilised and the doctors want to check with their husband or refuse due to age or the number of kids she has even if she is adamant she does not want any or has a genuine medical reason to want for example a hysterectomy. I saw one of a lesbian saying they would not do it for her in case she ever changed her sexuality and got with a man who wanted kids. What kind of society do we live in that hypothetical scenarios that crazy are used as a reason to not give someone medical care that they are requesting. We see in the media regularly about abortion laws in the USA and what some women have had to go through such as being kept alive with machines to be able to birth the child they are pregnant with. What kind of emotional and mental damage could that cause to that child when they find that out as an adult.

I think because sex is seen as a taboo topic a lot of people are potentially experiencing sexual coercion and don't even realise it because they do not discuss it with anyone therefore nobody is telling them that it is wrong. They are not being told that they have the right to say no. There are a lot of expectations especially in some cultures about what a wife should provide or do which do not always match up with what is necessarily suitable, appropriate or legal. It is concerning when people have not been given a good enough education to understand what is okay and what absolutely isn't. I think we need to talk about it more, open up the lines of communication so that we can help keep each other safe.